Epine

This is the longest I've gone without updating my Livejournal. I've been writing on blogspot for the last month, and only smaller entries on things I observe about people, as well as things I find out about myself and why I feel certain ways in certain situations. I feel much more self-aware this past month.

I've met some one who is absolutely, positively out of my league, and I don't know what to do about it.

Sometimes, I feel like Josh, Holly and Mike are stuck in this time-stop whirlwind of drama about the whole situation that happened back at the end of August. They somehow think I'm still caught in the storm, when in reality I've long forgotten the fine details. It wasn't long enough or good enough to consider a relationship, and the way I was treated was far beyond ridiculous to the point of dwelling.

I'd really just like to go back to being friends. What a stupid waste of time this has become, and a stupid loss of friendships over nothing important at all.

Time to go buy hair goo, spray, and dye. Oh, and pay my $75 medical bill for all the 4-hour wait and Benadryll they gave me. Thanks.

It's hard to make people understand that frequent fighting and breaking up most likely means they're better off out of their relationship. Although you'd think it would be quite obvious.

Going down to the studio for some lighting play and fuck around time. Bringing Teela with me so I can keep her busy and from thinking about all this breakup palookie.

I was going to skip out on Waid's this Wednesday since it's just Burgundy Boys and Del Smpl Wait playing. But I suppose you never know whether or not you would have met some one important and/or life-changing the one night you happened to skip out on an event.

Burgundy Boys need more photos anyway.

I would probably settle down if I settled down with some one. Unfortunately and fortunately, I'm just too damn picky.

I think I am still high from earlier. I never want to think about food again.

I refuse to go to Seattle on Tuesday. I also refuse to go on Wednesday. But I will catch the 511 and go tomorrow afternoon after photography to go play in the studio with Charlie and Miguel. I'd say lighting technician internships are a legitimate excuse to spend the day downtown.

I think maybe if I just fell in love with some one, assuming they're a good influence and not a crazy party person who is out every night, I would want to spend more time with them and not go out nearly as much. Then I could settle down and focus.

However, I doubt this is going to ever happen, considering I've met everyone and their mom, it seems like, and the only person I'm "into" physically is some one I would never, ever, ever get into a relationship with.

I honestly wish I wanted a boyfriend. Actually, I wish I just liked Walker, because that would be a legitimate freaking relationship. The dude wrote me a song ffs.

I am probably failing my photography class right now, and it's all because I skip school to photograph late-running events or to play lighting technician/aid with creative directing with Logan Neitzel from Project Runway's clothing line...

Networking's more important than education when it comes to art anyway, right?

My nightlife photography is getting better and better. I can't wait to make it big. I'd hate to be a popstar or an actor, but I think faceless fame would be alright. No one really knows what you look like when you're the one behind the camera.

I have nothing interesting write about anymore because all I do with my life is party and take photos.

It's nice to not feel guilty about going out 4-5 days of the week because I'm promoting the ass out of myself and my photography. This is the best life has ever been. I'm getting so many jobs, I've lost count.

I couldn't be happier with the way things are going.

"Who are you texting?"
"This lead designer of the most recent Gene Juarez campaign."
"Right. I'm sure you are..."
"Er, hmm.. He's cutting my hair tomorrow."
"Uhuh."

Why is that so hard to believe again?
Oh. Right. Because you have two friends, repeatedly tell the story about how you got mugged for a sandwich, and you shop at Hot Topic. The words "lead" and "campaign" in the same sentence are just fucking CRAZY to you, I bet.

I hope I don't look like a man when I get this cut.

The worst thing that has ever happened to me was the best thing that has ever happened for me.

I ended up spending the afternoon/evening with Holly's ex-boyfriend. He'd been bugging me to hang out with him, and fact of the matter is, I just didn't know him well enough. All I really knew about him is we sort of shared something in common, only he wants the best for Holly and I secretly want the worst for Josh. At least for now.

It's really a shame she "left him" for a rat like Josh after four years. He's actually a rather decent, kind boy. She was frustrated about how he never did anything with his life, and he has made a complete 360 degree turn by getting his license, a well-paying job downtown, and is looking to move out soon. Ironic, considering all Josh really does is spend his money that he receives from unemployment checks [that he owes me] on weed, clothes, and cigarettes, and is jobless making no effort to get a job or go back to school. Procrastination is alright, but I don't believe it counts when you wait something out until it really is just too late.

We stopped by Xander's new apartment, which is right across the street from Edmonds CC, and played some Halo with a few people. Played a made up drinking game as well. Xander, his brother and I got into one of those "deep talks" that drunk people who think they're wise and know a lot about the universe talk about. They made relatively good points, surprisingly, about the meaning of life, spirituality, religion, etc. Xander began talking about trauma, and how he was beaten and hospitalized by his father and watched his mom get beaten until she couldn't breath. He referred to this as his "peak" of emotional pain. He was explaining to us how although that experience was traumatic, emotionally, he felt no different than a girl whose worse life experience was to see her parents get divorced. This is a relatively obvious psychological concept, or whatever you may want to call it. But it kind of made me see something.

I think the reason I take break ups and relationships so seriously, dwell on the broken ones for ages, end up with rats like Josh, and sometimes feel as though I take break ups harder than anyone else is because my peak of emotional pain is an ending relationship. Unfortunately for me, I've never experience trauma. I've never really had death affect me much, or sickness. No one in my close family has ever filed for divorce, and certainly no one has been beaten or abused by a familiar face.

The most traumatic things that have ever happened to me are my break up with my first love in high school, fighting viciously with Dominik and being stuck in Poland the hours we were on bad terms, having to break up with him and come home with no closure or ability to put back the pieces of our relationship, and pretty much my entire relationship with Josh. Among all those "traumatic" peaks in my life, my rough and rocky relationship with Josh brought me down more than anything. He made me feel inferior. He made me feel worse than I ever had before. That is my peak, and all because I really just don't know any better.. or worse, I should say. That sucks.

Hold the fuck on.
Back the fuck up.
I might like some one.

Lately, too many people have treated me with some form of disrespect. My all-time plan to "kill people with kindness" is proving itself to only bring more palookie into my life once people find they can walk all over me without consequence.

First I had Josh wipe the floor with me for no reason whatsoever, now I have Teela personally making plans with me that she cannot go through with, ignoring me, and now I find from Tony she is moving to LA at the end of the month. Here I am, the so-called "best friend" and I'm the last to know. Why would some one abandon some one so close to them and leave them in the dust, but tell the rest of the world?

Then, I have Dominik, who I was on rather good terms with when he moved home. I was quite upset when I realized it wasn't healthy if he and I spoke once he moved home, and I, quite honestly, missed him. Out of nowhere, I get this nasty, disgusting email from him saying he's been reading my journal, and by the looks of it, he completely misunderstood me. But of course, that wasn't the first time. All this mumbojumbo about me attracting crazy people, how he was disgusted by what he read.. but what did he read? I haven't said one disgusting thing yet. I've not done one disgusting thing. I know I shouldn't let it shake me up, but I can't help but feel in the least bit hurt when some one spits rude comments at me through an email for no reason, and then blocks me so I can't ask why.

Why on earth do people treat me like this?

All I do is sit here and live my life, try to treat people with kindness, keep my thoughts and suspicions to myself or in my journal, and never judge a soul without giving them a chance to see whether or not they are a genuine person.

And I get distasteful emails about it and how I attract psychos because of the kind of person I am. But what kind of person does that make me? And why am I at fault for something I cannot control?

I'm just disappointed that people can be so rude and try to hurt me after I have done nothing to hurt them.. Honestly, why would he try to hurt me this time? I don't even know what I wrote to bother him so much in my journal this time around.

It really, really crushes me..

My biggest pet peeve is when people thank me for hanging out with them. What the fuck is this, an honor? Great, now I feel awkward. No better way to make me feel awkward than to show gratitude for being given the "opportunity" to hang out with me as if I'm doing you a favor.

My photography teacher is going to think I suck at life now because I accidentally managed to shoot my entire project in fisheye because I wasn't thinking. Now she's going to rage hard and I'm going to get an F, but it's dark out so there's nothing I can do now so fuck.

I think I need a boyfriend so I can be gay and take comfort in having something tangible to hold onto, but if I settle for just anyone, I'm going to end up with a psycho. Even though I think every boy is psycho anyway. That's actually something that scares me. I don't think I'll settle for anyone.

I had a talk with Tony tonight about his compulsive lying and how I am far more aware than he thinks. In the heat of the moment, I began bringing up every single flaw of his that goes through my mind. I pointed out his willingness to open up about traumatic events in his past, and asked him why he would drop an atomic trauma bomb on strangers in a social, happy scene (such as a party) where the moods are good. I asked him why he felt the need to bring up a total buzz kill, basically.

Then I told him how it affected me, and how I became afraid of him when I first spoke to him and heard the terrible stories of his past. I told him how it made me feel uncomfortable, how it scared the living daylights out of me, and how it let me down.

But none of that is important. What's really important is what I learned about myself. Every time I get into deep conversations with Tony, I seem to find out some deep, psychological thing about myself that answers a ridiculous amount of questions. I've felt wiser and more self-aware since I started getting closer to him two weeks ago than I have in my entire life.

--
For some reason, I am unable to sympathize with people, regardless of how traumatic the event is. If some one tells me their friend died, I feel no empathy. I never had. An example is when Teela's friend, DJ AM, died.. and although my best friend is sitting there chain smoking and bawling her eyes out, I don't know what to say.. The reason is this: I've never experienced trauma. I have lived the perfect life. The only depression I have ever felt is relationship-based, and nothing I can't save myself from. I have never experienced divorce, sickness, death, dying, childhood trauma, etc. I have never experienced, and therefore I cannot relate. As well as I know myself, I have no trauma in my life to back me up and make me stronger, which completely disables my ability to sympathize with some one, as well as the reason I take sadness and moderately stressful events harder than the average person.

Although Tony is quite possibly the most mentally and emotionally unstable person I have ever met, and although I find myself doctoring him most of the time, I cannot help but remain close to him because of what he has done for me. He has taught me more about myself than anyone, and I've known him roughly two weeks. What on earth does that mean?

I just learned the most valuable thing about myself, and all I did was send a text message. Being temporarily "involved" with Tony has taught me one thing about myself when it comes to relationships: I'm a closet superslut.

For as long as I can remember, I haven't liked it when people buy me things. I don't like it when people compliment me too much. I don't like it when I am given special treatment. It really all comes down to this: I hate to be put on a pedestal.

This really explains my issue with buyer's guilt for other people and why I get uncomfortable when I receive gifts or am offered material objects. Most importantly, however, this explains why I was so into Josh, a guy who disrespected me, never did anything for me, and never wanted to be around me. I was not treated like a queen, he never bought me things, and I was able to be involved with him and not have to deal with the discomfort of him being a deep-down mentally and/or emotionally unstable person because of it.

Tony told me today that I was the first girl he did not try to sleep with immediately and treat like shit afterwards. He said I was "different" and that he wanted to change his ways, starting with me. He had feelings for me unlike any other girl he has come across and wanted to do things right and treat me with respect. He bought me things, complimented me, and put me on a pedestal. Any girl would love every minute of it, but I hated it, and now I've drifted away.

Apparently, I want to be treated like shit. I want a guy to have sex with me and ignore me. I don't want presents or compliments or nice things done for me. I want to feel the need to impress some one, because otherwise I am fed reasons to be cocky, feel I am above that person and too good for them no matter how kind, attractive, and respectful they are.

I never knew why I was so weird, so into assholes like Josh, or why I was able to have a casual "relationship" with some one and not get hurt. Now I do.

Uuuuuuuuuuuh. This is the first night I've just stayed home and gone nowhere for at least a few weeks. And I am only going a little bit crazy, not completely. It's a good thing.

I'm laying in bed with a stinky heated beanbag on my neck and my teddy bear under my back like some mad, fat bum with shitty posture, because that's basically what I am. I'm all slouched and listening to Brazilian Girls and Tricky, derp derp. Holly gave me a whole bunch of trip-hop junk last night, and by junk I mean amazingness. Thank god for people who appreciate trip-hop and downtempo.

I keep trying to find reasons to go on a date with this Tony character, but something about throwing birthday bashes for your dog, openly talking about traumatic childhood experiences within minutes of talking to some one, and setting your car on fire when you discover your girlfriend has been cheating on you just puts up a red flag or two..... Personality, style, looks, interests, logic and belief-wise, however, he is my soulmate. My somewhat seemingly mentally unstable soulmate. FML

Went to Holly's today. It was just elle et moi at first, and we made bad cheeseburgers, good asian salad, and watched Top Chef. April came over later and we watched Gia, which is probably one of the more messed up movies I've ever seen. Just drugs, modeling, asylums, lesbians, AIDS and death. It was a phenomenal movie but jesus christ dude.. it made me feel like Requiem For A Dream did uugghh.

Xan and Travis came home and we talked shit a little bit. Cutting Xander's hair tomorrow for a packy-poo and i'm making him and Holly my famous grilled cheese, nomnom.

This is going to sound odd, but I think I would be a whole lot happier and in higher spirits if I bought myself something. I totally believe in retail therapy. I think I just need something to be excited about.

Dream 1:
I had a dream I was at a mall with a yorkshire terrier. I didn't know what it's name was, but it was apparently either mine or my nana's (she was there). I was holding it laying down waiting in line for the groomers upstairs in one of the department buildings that looked rather fancy. I remember talking to the little dog about how getting groomed was his/her favorite thing.

I went downstairs in the mall to go somewhere with some one while I was waiting for the dog to get groomed, but I had no shoes. Then I tried to go upstairs to get some from my Nana, but could not find my way. I went up the first escalator, but could not find the entrance to the next one, so I went down some corridors. They were white and blue speckled granite walls, and I remember seeing a woman who worked at the mall looked at me as though I was in the wrong place, and I ignored her and turned around.

I found the escalator, but it was extremely fast and I tripped over myself. There was a scary-looking man with a roller backpack and his persian cat sitting on it behind me. The cat was white.

Dream 2:
Then the next dream, I was at "Kris's house" with Teela, Jimmy, Ashley, etc. All those guys, except some faces didn't really stand out to me. I saw Kathleen as well. It seemed to be somewhat of a barbecue, and I don't remember much of what was going on, but I do remember going into a bathroom to wipe something off my face. I tried to reach for a tissue, but there was toilet paper in the tissue box. I don't remember what it was I was trying to wash off. I then saw Kathleen in the other bathroom, which was across the hall from the first. I didn't speak to her. There was some one else in there as well. I just saw them, but I left.

I then went outside to a field-like area, and one of the boys was playing with dynamite. He lit it, and it was standing there for a little while. They were kicking at it, ignoring it.. I was too afraid to pick it up and throw it away from us in fear it would explode on me, but finally one of them did (Marc I think?) A few people on the other side of the field who were walking our way ran through to us, and then the dynamite exploded. No one got hurt, but splashes of lava-like liquid splattered all over my neck and leg. I was wearing boots and black jeans, but had pulled the leg up on one side for some reason. I got splattered on my chin and jawline as well. I remember being scared that I was going to die or be hurt bad, but everyone ignored me.

I had a menthol cigarette out to get a bad taste out of my mouth, and went and sat down by Jimmy, Teela, Kris, etc. They asked if I was okay. I said no. My entire neck had a black ring around it. It looked more like a tribal marking than anything. I looked to the sky and it was getting darker. The sun looked as though it was about to set, but it was only 1 in the afternoon. I said, "Wow, it gets so dark so fast now." Teela assured me this happens all the time and that it's normal. But I looked to the sky again and couldn't help but worry how dark it gets so early in the day. I thought about my photo shoots and how difficult it was going to be to photograph Dana if I didn't do it soon.


Analysis:
Dream 1:
I think the dog groomers has to do with John's dad's little drunken idea for me to start a groomer shop with John to make millions. John's got yorkies, too. Also it might have to do with Tony brushing his dog last night at the party (???) and triggering a subconscious memory kind of thing in my head.

The mall may have to do with me wanting to go to the mall and shop, and having no shoes, an essential thing to get around, could represent both my lack of money and my lack of clothing. The escalator moving too fast for me could really just symbolize things in my life changing so fast that I fall out from under my own feet.

I don't know why I dreamt about my Nana. Getting her shoes, however, could symbolize my conversation with Melanie yesterday about how I wanted shoes that old people wear.

The man with the persian doesn't make any sense, although the feeling I got when I saw him reminded me of that weirded-out feeling I got when I saw the man in LA with his sex doll outside Starbucks. He, too, was weirdly-dressed and had roller luggage. There was a doll at this party last night in the yard that looked terrifying, and some one referred to it as a "sex doll", so maybe that triggered some subconscious memories as well. The white persian is a mystery.

Dream 2:
Being with Kris, Teela, and some other faces could be because I was supposed to see them last night but didn't. I didn't see them much throughout the dream, so maybe that symbolizes how I don't see them even when they are close by.

Kathleen being in the bathroom but not talking to me much could be just because I saw her last night and didn't really speak to her all that much.

Toilet paper being in the tissue box is most definitely because Melanie, Leta and I were talking about the lack of toilet paper at the "Pink House" last year and how they always used other things, like paper bags, tissues, makeup wipes, etc. In the dream, I was looking for something other than toilet paper, and couldn't find it even in a tissue box.

The dynamite makes no sense. I looked it up in a dream dictionary, and it makes a little more: "To see dynamite in a dream, is a sign of approaching change and the expanding of one's affairs. To be frightened by it, indicates that a secret enemy is at work against you, and if you are not careful of your conduct he will disclose himself at an unexpected and helpless moment." This explains my fear of it, and my fear when it hurt me. The black rings it created could be my tribal party, and the fact I still have garbage from it laying in my garage.

The cigarette in my dream made me think it was perhaps an addiction thing, and my mind was finally letting me know I was concerned about smoking too much. The interpretation diary says this: Cigarettes is a symbol of addiction and satisfaction. If you are smoking a cigarette, or offering a cigarette to others, it is a lucky omen which denotes self-satisfaction and prosperity. Sounds a whole lot better.

Worrying about the days fading is me dreading the end of summer, the end of light. Worrying about my shoot with Dana is because I have one with her today. In 30 minutes actually..